diary of a professional antagonist
And Now I’m Married to a Serial Killer
Two months ago I got some unexpected work out of town. The pay was good, the location warm, and the screenplay I was commissioned to write had a pretty decent premise. Admittedly when I got the email congratulating me on a successful pitch I hadn’t a clue what they were on about. A fifth of vodka later my brain pain began to lapse and it slowly started to come back to me.
Six months back I participated in an online screenwriting workshop. The pitch was just one part of the day. Nobody told me that what I was pitching was an actual project and a writer was being actively sought, so I sat back and churned out a fairly stock plot with a mediocre twist that seemed to please and excite the moderators. I was proud of my virtual success and made a mental note to adopt the ‘sit back’ method for future projects and wait for the green bills to break down my door. Flash forward to the moment the email was delivered – sitting in stained, three week old boxers, hungover from the dustiest discounted Czech six pack I could find, and flicking away belly button fluff. What money I’d had evaporated somehow and I couldn’t get sober enough to figure out how I spent it, but the odd stint at the racetrack preying on unsuspecting winners kept me in cash and booze, so I didn’t think of it too much. Before signing contracts the producer wanted to have a quick video chat, so I obliged and cleaned up a bit before facing the webcam. It turned out to be the smartest move I’d made in three months. She was stunning.
Selina. Strawberry blonde, perfect teeth, eyes that lingered a second too long and a smile that curled at the edges and put a giddy twitch in my dick. I remained silent for the best part of four minutes while she talked about me, how she admired my previous work and that she liked my ‘disappointingly’ irregular blog entries (not this one, I’m not that fucking stupid). The story idea was hers so there was an emotional investment on her part and the twist I’d come up with had made her toes tingle. Since then she’d been raising money and now that she had enough for further development I was the man she wanted, and she wanted me in Aruba, immediately. I knocked down two old ladies which may or may not have been mannequins and slammed through the walkway tables of a cafe where a bunch of school kids may or may not have been as I careened toward the airport… I convinced myself that the car wheels had clumsily rolled across tables and dummy body parts and so, for peace of mind, and seeing as I couldn’t afford another lawsuit, I accelerated hard.
On arrival it quickly became clear that we were compatible, well at least from my point of view. I was a man and she was a woman. Compatible. This was a humdinger of a match, though, because she was built like a porn star and seemed to have the brains of a Shih Tzu. I quickly negotiated my way to the bedroom after blowing her away with a new twist I’d stolen from some show I saw on TV on the flight in. Man was she good in the sack. I kept pinching myself. An average to ugly like me getting this kind of action at this stage in his life was unheard of and getting paid to write something I’d ripped off from somewhere else as well, and in Aruba. I didn’t really notice that she was on the phone a lot and organizing meetings with other guys. I figured it was something to do with the movie and asked no questions. Then one night she didn’t show and I was left with a blank page, a blinking cursor and a seriously confused penis.
At five in the morning she fell into my hotel suite in a major hurry. Her hands were covered in what looked like red paint and she was pale. I fixed us a drink and asked what all the ruckus was about. She jumped in the shower and I joined her, even though I got the feeling she was resistant to company. Regardless of the time, I’d had a dry day and now that she was here it was time to reset my balls. When she realized that’s all I wanted and didn’t care how she got so fucking messed up she responded with aplomb. Afterwards she asked me to say that she was with me all night if anyone came by asking.
With clarity of mind setting in I tried to figure out why but she just wrapped herself around me again and I was beginning to give less a shit all over again. She told me I was a big dick player and made her come harder than Niagara Falls. I hadn’t a clue what either meant but I felt like a ten story tall porn star. She said that all those times I’d experienced erectile dysfunction was a major turn on and that it’d make her work harder – I couldn’t have been happier. I was the man and I couldn’t give a shit what lies I had to tell to keep it that way. The next day I became slightly concerned when I turned on the TV and the cops were looking for information about a female suspect in a multiple homicide two blocks from my hotel. I looked out the window and could see the cordoned off mayhem flashing below. At that moment Selina wrapped her cold hands around me.
I wanted to go out for breakfast but she ordered room service. I had to tip the waiter. Then she insisted we work the script all day. I tried to worm out of it and investigate my suspicions but then she handed me an envelope with an advance of three thousand dollars in it so I was happy enough to stay put. Fuck it, I didn’t know those dead people, and it’s not like they were going to offer me a better deal anyway. We stayed holed up for a week and I only went downstairs to pay for additional nights in the hotel out of my advance, which pissed me off a bit but I suppose I was getting a pretty good deal considering the company. Despite being in her presence all the time I got to know nearly nothing about her. It was all work, all phone calls organizing some sort of gathering and then she vanished again. I found myself distracted and desperate to not think the worst, so I hit the casino to see if my luck was good or not. I blew two grand in twenty minutes. Back at the room, she was waiting, in aggressive form, full of questions, oh, and covered in blood.
I explained myself, the fact that I’d lost some money and was sorry. She was in slapping mode and started to assault me. Now, I’m a gentleman as far as opening doors and shit matters but I’m also a louse at heart and so, after being hit six or ten times I hit back. It was epic. We kicked the shit out of each other. I landed some sweet right and left cross combos, she battered the living piss out of my balls. Both spent and semi-conscious we gave fucking a shot but that wasn’t going to happen in such a black and blue state, never mind the erectile dysfunction. When I came to she had her face looking pretty decent again and told me she wanted to get married. Fuck it, I thought, she’s the best lay I’ve ever had, she’s built, loaded and can handle herself. We found a chapel in the casino and got hitched in the presence of a man dressed as Gumby who was about to marry a woman dressed as Spongebob. The deal was sealed in one of the private dealer rooms down the hall. Selina excused herself while I tried to cover up the mess left on the blackjack table. Looking at the ring I couldn’t believe I had gotten married for the third time. Then the screaming started.
I ran down the hall and stopped at a conference room where a pool of blood was flowing out beneath the door. I called her name. Suddenly she opened the door, stepped out and shut it behind her. Her hands were dripping blood, none of it her own. I asked what was going on. A siren rang out close by and she grabbed me by the balls and dragged me up the corridor. She kicked open a janitor’s closet and as the rushing stomp of cop feet approached she dropped her panties and tore open my slacks. “Fuck me, stupid, or I’ll fuck your face with this ice-pick” was all she said and raised said implement over her head. Man, that was motivation enough to kick me into gear.
A rookie cop swung open the door as I was mid-thrust then immediately left us alone again. Selina pulled free of me and dragged me down the service stairs, out the back and into a nice cadillac with a ‘just married’ on the back. We drove off as cop cars swarmed in and just missed us. I heard about it on the news. Heads lopped off, limbs thrown around the room, torsos disemboweled. All by my sweet, blushing bride’s hands. All the dead people were involved in some fraudulent internet scam where desperate morons signed up for online seminars, many of whom were defrauded of their life savings. She was one. Selina was to be considered dangerous and mentally unstable. The murders were linked to others in different states. Then my face was plastered onscreen in a related story for using counterfeit dollars to gamble, tip and pay hotel bills in Aruba.
Being a coward I did the only thing I knew would ensure that I wouldn’t end up on the chopping block next so I turned myself in. It wasn’t long before the cops were speeding down the highway toward Selina. Realizing I’d slipped out of the motel during the night she started chopping up the owners but luckily, with the law already en route, there weren’t so many dead this time. I pleaded guilty on the grounds of ignorance and general stupidity. When they found out that I was one of the morons who had been taken in by the same internet scam that defrauded Selina and set her off on her rampage they figured I was probably going to get hacked up sooner or later seeing as she was working off a list of names related to the scam. It was that or she was going to let me hang for the whole lot and use me as her patsy. They gave me a two month stint in the joint with a month suspended conditional on community service. Selina was sent to a nut house for the criminally insane.
Once home I checked with my bank and they mentioned that my account had been wiped about six months back. I’m told there’s a chance I’ll get some of it back. Last night I hit the racetrack again, swiped a sawbuck and won another. For a moment I thought my luck had turned. At that moment I noticed my likeness on a bulletin board. Seven seconds later I was cracked on the head and arrested. ‘Guess not.