diary of a professional antagonist
Tag Archives: Homicide
Standing over his coffin wasn’t the hardest thing. Putting him there was. Despite my success, something felt wrong, didn’t add up and as my presence as a mourner began to cause a disturbance, the pieces began to click together.
A week prior I was on my way home from another failed script pitch I’d made to a barely C-list production company, to a bottle of cheap label whisky with the power to pile drive my consciousness into a dark abyss for at least three days, when a young lady approached me. There wasn’t anything remarkable about her, a bit dumpy, a bit needy looking and it seemed like she had tried to make an effort to spruce up, though the lipstick on her teeth and the mascara in her eyebrows said she didn’t know too much about how. She slapped me in the face then screamed that a man like me had fucked her life up completely as she attempted to claw my face. I was in no mood to take the blame for some other fucker’s mess and even if I could turn the situation around into a quick lay against an alley skip I figured that considering the day, there was only a case of something itchy at the bottom of it. I cut my loses and gave it to her straight and hard.
“Fuck off back to the Crayola box you fell out of.”
As I walked away, the reality of just how bad the studio rejection was had begun to fester. Feeling like a hooker who offered a free one to a convict on death row and got a “maybe next time” response, I continued on home, slammed the bottle back and fell into another, warmer world, though that was likely down to having periodically pissed myself while out for the count. I woke up smelling worse than a chemical attack and while this wasn’t unfamiliar, the slender, if slightly stubbly pair of crossed legs a few feet away, were.
As the deep set crust on my eyes dropped off and blur gave way to focus, I followed those unkempt pins upward and it soon became clear that they belonged to the young lady from before. She hadn’t figured out how to paint her face during my downtime but with half a skull-load of old brain cells continuing to slide out my nostrils onto the solidified remains of their already departed cousins, my sharpness was back and I figured I knew her face from somewhere. Then it hit me, she was a pretty damn close fit for my wife, Selina. This was not necessarily a good thing but, considering the neurological gene pool, it made the lack of make-up expertise and the incompetence with a razor make a lot more sense.
Last I’d heard Selina was trying to fight her imprisonment seeing as she’d been locked away on testimony taken from one of the motel employees who was under heavy sedation at the time of trial, and as her lawyer argued, was therefore susceptible to being coerced into telling the truth the jury needed to hear. It was bullshit but she had nothing to lose and a new date had been set for the plea three months down the line. Judging by the facial ticks and the inability to retain gas, or at least pass it silently, the unshaven ‘babe’ before me was her sister. Somewhere inside me I felt responsible for her, which says a lot about my own mental function. In an effort to bond, and at least have something to defend myself against Selina with, and buy time should we ever cross paths again, I struck up conversation.
“What’s your name, honey?”
“No, just Barb, y’know, like, Barbrilla.”
Fish in a barrel. She admitted the kinship with my ball and chain and told me that Selina had said that if she was ever in trouble to come find me. The heat of the moment had gotten to her three days earlier and just finding me had given her hope that her nightmare was about to end. Some guy she’d been banging had slapped her around and tossed her out on her ear, and he’d taken the last bit of cash she had – fifty bucks. I couldn’t understand why the idiot would put any amount of time into a tray of nuts like Barb and was about to throw her out myself but then she mentioned that ‘Ol Garth didn’t need her cash and it began to make sense.
He was relatively new in town, had moved from a more tropical climate, and was loaded. A payout from an accident at work had left him crippled and somewhat deformed. She didn’t get into details, I didn’t care enough to ask. All she said was that once his bosses cut the check he severed his ties and decided to move back to his old stomping ground. But ‘Ol Garth had been reduced to Barb after he was ripped off by a couple of hookers who got wise to his fortune and were tag team bleeding him dry until he shot one of them then claimed it was self-defense after having been broken in to by two prostitutes. Naturally the cops found enough at the second hooker’s pad to lock her away and ‘ol Garth went looking for a more long term, reliable female. Enter Barb, fifty bucks in her purse and kinda dumb – jackpot. Turns out she was the penance he had to pay for his previous wrongdoings and after a month he’d had enough and pitched her out of his house with two black eyes and an option to visit the dentist. It’s a shame his crippled ass didn’t think to look up the family tree online.
Brass tacks, the guy had close to a quarter mill at his fingertips and kept a lot of it in his attic. We cased the house over a couple of days, she showed me the ins and outs, his favored places to watch T.V., and most importantly the routine of the meals-on-wheels he had going. In all fairness, she had the vengeance thing down and even had a nine millimeter of ‘Ol Garth’s with a full clip, with which he was to be killed. It was damn near poetic. I was still debating whether to get involved but Barb’s instincts proved similar to those of her sister’s and she blew me stupid me for the guts of two hours before draining me dry through the night. Sperm nor scruple was left when she put the nine milli in my hand and told me that I had a five minute window to get in and hide while the meal man was on site. I hobbled across the road, a big stupid fucking smile on my face, as if the twenty four hour bout of coitus was somehow going to make everything run smooth.
Once inside I settled on upstairs as the best place to find a hiding place, seeing as the meal man wouldn’t be going there and ‘Ol Garth wasn’t about to jog up any time soon. It was, of course, a mistake. I settled in a wardrobe on some rolled up linen and before I knew it I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my car horn blaring outside like a fucked alarm clock. All over the place, I staggered out into the bedroom where Garth was sitting, buck naked, using one of those elderly person can openers to twist the last bit of jizz out of the remains of his fucked up looking johnson.
“What the fuck?”
“Who the fuck are you? What the fuck are you doing in my fucking house?”
He’d heard enough and smashed me in the face with the can opener. Garth was spry, there was no getting away from that, and he quickly sent the nine milli flying out of my grip before cracking two of my ribs and loosening a few teeth for me. I had mobility on my side though and in my panicked state, shoved him out the door to buy time. What followed was the sound of springs, something rolling then crashing down the stairs. Garth was lying at the foot of the steps, a wheelchair wrapped around him, the can opener in his hair and a pool of blood growing larger by the second. I found the attic, the shoebox with the cash, it was going to work out. I opened the box, there wasn’t a quarter mill, more like five grand. Why was I even surprised? Then the doorbell rang and instead of biding my time and making a clean escape, I jumped through the bedroom window into a hedge and compounded the damage to my ribs. Back at the car, no sign of Barb – then she came running, from the house.
“Where the fuck were you?”
“I rang the doorbell to create a distraction.”
“Fucking idiot, get in.”
“I don’t know how to drive.”
“Is that the cops?”
“Gimmie the fucking keys, you clown-faced cretin!”
Somehow we made it out of there. Two hours later after I stopped shouting at her for exaggerating the truth about the amount of money in the house I felt very ill, remembering that I’d neglected to collect the nine milli before leaving. The cops would have it, I was a goner. Reluctantly, I turned on the news. There wasn’t too much coverage then the story of a local man found dead after an accident in own home started up. No foul play was suspected, the victim seemingly died during a sex act. Turns out the quarter mill wasn’t an exaggeration but ‘Ol Garth had blown the majority of it on hookers and porn. I figured I was off the hook and wanted to let it go but knew a gun with my fingerprints was still in the house of a deadman and it wouldn’t be long before his kin started to pack up his things.
The funeral was scheduled a couple of days later. An open house for mourners to pay their sympathies. I had Barb iron my suit. She made a complete fucking mess of it, but all I needed it for was a half hour so let it slide. Barb said she was going to stay home and count her share of the loot – fifty bucks, that’s all she wanted. Honest. I didn’t argue seeing as I was secretly hoping she’d be gone when I’d get back so I wouldn’t have to actually use the gun. That said, I wouldn’t get the chance if I didn’t find it. Into the lion’s den I walked.
I furled my lips together, nodded sympathetically, raised my eyebrows, all the cliché body language as I made my way through the mourners toward the coffin. I closed in, noticed a few odd looks, some whispers but paid no mind. Of course I was the stranger in the crowd and would draw some attention, but all I had to do was fit in then slip upstairs. I looked down at ‘Ol Garth and couldn’t help thinking that the mortician had done a pretty decent job to get all the cum out of his hair. The murmurs got louder then I thought I heard my name. I looked around, saw a picture of ‘Ol Garth from his heyday and something sank deep inside me.
I wish I had been on acid and that it was all a fucking insane flashback, but I was clean and this was a legit memory kicking in. ‘Ol Garth was a face from the past, a past I’d tried to distance myself from but one which Barb had clearly been trying to force back into my life. Selina was the accident that left ‘Ol Garth deformed and crippled, he was the motel employee whose testimony sent her down. This wasn’t about fifty bucks, or a quarter mill, this was about me in the house of a dead man whose violent past I and my wife were very much a memorable part of. I’d been set up. As if figuring it out wasn’t bad enough, or the fact that everyone in the room had simultaneously tuned into the same frequency, the cops had also just walked in and I knew then that Barb had made the call, and had done the same on the night when they showed up just as we were leaving, far too soon for anyone to have known.
They found the gun in the linen. Chance had landed it there. Barb was nowhere to be found, the money was gone with her and I knew that in three months Selina would likely be free or in a facility with much lower security and far more options when considering an escape. As for me, I stooped to a new low in a desperate attempt to maintain my freedom. When asked what I was doing there I said I was hired by ‘Ol Garth to strip for him. I mentioned my lack of success as a screenwriter and having been reduced to giving hand and blow-jobs out the back of a 7/11, which is where he picked me up, I agreed to go back to give him a private show.
The gun I had was his and ‘Ol Garth wanted to whack off while I threatened him with it. I also felt it necessary to tell them that he wanted me to pretend I was the hooker he shot when he caught her stealing from him. Naturally this didn’t go down too well with his surviving family members but the gun checked out and every studio in town wholeheartedly backed up my inability to get a writing job. They had no choice but to let me go on condition that ‘Ol Garth’s story die with him and the family be allowed to move on. Dignity, reputation and self-worth all flushed down the fucking toilet, I agreed.
I decided to ‘celebrate’ by buying a bottle of pile driver and driving home at speeds which would normally result in a fatal collision with a wall, or into an embankment, but no. Of course Barb was there, waiting for me when I walked in. A thin trickle of piss leaked down my leg as she kissed me, then whispered in my ear:
“Selina said to tell you that she’ll pay you back when she gets out.”
She left me with the bottle, my sorrows and a bad case of the blues. Penance, it would seem, was only just beginning.
Two months ago I got some unexpected work out of town. The pay was good, the location warm, and the screenplay I was commissioned to write had a pretty decent premise. Admittedly when I got the email congratulating me on a successful pitch I hadn’t a clue what they were on about. A fifth of vodka later my brain pain began to lapse and it slowly started to come back to me.
Six months back I participated in an online screenwriting workshop. The pitch was just one part of the day. Nobody told me that what I was pitching was an actual project and a writer was being actively sought, so I sat back and churned out a fairly stock plot with a mediocre twist that seemed to please and excite the moderators. I was proud of my virtual success and made a mental note to adopt the ‘sit back’ method for future projects and wait for the green bills to break down my door. Flash forward to the moment the email was delivered – sitting in stained, three week old boxers, hungover from the dustiest discounted Czech six pack I could find, and flicking away belly button fluff. What money I’d had evaporated somehow and I couldn’t get sober enough to figure out how I spent it, but the odd stint at the racetrack preying on unsuspecting winners kept me in cash and booze, so I didn’t think of it too much. Before signing contracts the producer wanted to have a quick video chat, so I obliged and cleaned up a bit before facing the webcam. It turned out to be the smartest move I’d made in three months. She was stunning.
Selina. Strawberry blonde, perfect teeth, eyes that lingered a second too long and a smile that curled at the edges and put a giddy twitch in my dick. I remained silent for the best part of four minutes while she talked about me, how she admired my previous work and that she liked my ‘disappointingly’ irregular blog entries (not this one, I’m not that fucking stupid). The story idea was hers so there was an emotional investment on her part and the twist I’d come up with had made her toes tingle. Since then she’d been raising money and now that she had enough for further development I was the man she wanted, and she wanted me in Aruba, immediately. I knocked down two old ladies which may or may not have been mannequins and slammed through the walkway tables of a cafe where a bunch of school kids may or may not have been as I careened toward the airport… I convinced myself that the car wheels had clumsily rolled across tables and dummy body parts and so, for peace of mind, and seeing as I couldn’t afford another lawsuit, I accelerated hard.
On arrival it quickly became clear that we were compatible, well at least from my point of view. I was a man and she was a woman. Compatible. This was a humdinger of a match, though, because she was built like a porn star and seemed to have the brains of a Shih Tzu. I quickly negotiated my way to the bedroom after blowing her away with a new twist I’d stolen from some show I saw on TV on the flight in. Man was she good in the sack. I kept pinching myself. An average to ugly like me getting this kind of action at this stage in his life was unheard of and getting paid to write something I’d ripped off from somewhere else as well, and in Aruba. I didn’t really notice that she was on the phone a lot and organizing meetings with other guys. I figured it was something to do with the movie and asked no questions. Then one night she didn’t show and I was left with a blank page, a blinking cursor and a seriously confused penis.
At five in the morning she fell into my hotel suite in a major hurry. Her hands were covered in what looked like red paint and she was pale. I fixed us a drink and asked what all the ruckus was about. She jumped in the shower and I joined her, even though I got the feeling she was resistant to company. Regardless of the time, I’d had a dry day and now that she was here it was time to reset my balls. When she realized that’s all I wanted and didn’t care how she got so fucking messed up she responded with aplomb. Afterwards she asked me to say that she was with me all night if anyone came by asking.
With clarity of mind setting in I tried to figure out why but she just wrapped herself around me again and I was beginning to give less a shit all over again. She told me I was a big dick player and made her come harder than Niagara Falls. I hadn’t a clue what either meant but I felt like a ten story tall porn star. She said that all those times I’d experienced erectile dysfunction was a major turn on and that it’d make her work harder – I couldn’t have been happier. I was the man and I couldn’t give a shit what lies I had to tell to keep it that way. The next day I became slightly concerned when I turned on the TV and the cops were looking for information about a female suspect in a multiple homicide two blocks from my hotel. I looked out the window and could see the cordoned off mayhem flashing below. At that moment Selina wrapped her cold hands around me.
I wanted to go out for breakfast but she ordered room service. I had to tip the waiter. Then she insisted we work the script all day. I tried to worm out of it and investigate my suspicions but then she handed me an envelope with an advance of three thousand dollars in it so I was happy enough to stay put. Fuck it, I didn’t know those dead people, and it’s not like they were going to offer me a better deal anyway. We stayed holed up for a week and I only went downstairs to pay for additional nights in the hotel out of my advance, which pissed me off a bit but I suppose I was getting a pretty good deal considering the company. Despite being in her presence all the time I got to know nearly nothing about her. It was all work, all phone calls organizing some sort of gathering and then she vanished again. I found myself distracted and desperate to not think the worst, so I hit the casino to see if my luck was good or not. I blew two grand in twenty minutes. Back at the room, she was waiting, in aggressive form, full of questions, oh, and covered in blood.
I explained myself, the fact that I’d lost some money and was sorry. She was in slapping mode and started to assault me. Now, I’m a gentleman as far as opening doors and shit matters but I’m also a louse at heart and so, after being hit six or ten times I hit back. It was epic. We kicked the shit out of each other. I landed some sweet right and left cross combos, she battered the living piss out of my balls. Both spent and semi-conscious we gave fucking a shot but that wasn’t going to happen in such a black and blue state, never mind the erectile dysfunction. When I came to she had her face looking pretty decent again and told me she wanted to get married. Fuck it, I thought, she’s the best lay I’ve ever had, she’s built, loaded and can handle herself. We found a chapel in the casino and got hitched in the presence of a man dressed as Gumby who was about to marry a woman dressed as Spongebob. The deal was sealed in one of the private dealer rooms down the hall. Selina excused herself while I tried to cover up the mess left on the blackjack table. Looking at the ring I couldn’t believe I had gotten married for the third time. Then the screaming started.
I ran down the hall and stopped at a conference room where a pool of blood was flowing out beneath the door. I called her name. Suddenly she opened the door, stepped out and shut it behind her. Her hands were dripping blood, none of it her own. I asked what was going on. A siren rang out close by and she grabbed me by the balls and dragged me up the corridor. She kicked open a janitor’s closet and as the rushing stomp of cop feet approached she dropped her panties and tore open my slacks. “Fuck me, stupid, or I’ll fuck your face with this ice-pick” was all she said and raised said implement over her head. Man, that was motivation enough to kick me into gear.
A rookie cop swung open the door as I was mid-thrust then immediately left us alone again. Selina pulled free of me and dragged me down the service stairs, out the back and into a nice cadillac with a ‘just married’ on the back. We drove off as cop cars swarmed in and just missed us. I heard about it on the news. Heads lopped off, limbs thrown around the room, torsos disemboweled. All by my sweet, blushing bride’s hands. All the dead people were involved in some fraudulent internet scam where desperate morons signed up for online seminars, many of whom were defrauded of their life savings. She was one. Selina was to be considered dangerous and mentally unstable. The murders were linked to others in different states. Then my face was plastered onscreen in a related story for using counterfeit dollars to gamble, tip and pay hotel bills in Aruba.
Being a coward I did the only thing I knew would ensure that I wouldn’t end up on the chopping block next so I turned myself in. It wasn’t long before the cops were speeding down the highway toward Selina. Realizing I’d slipped out of the motel during the night she started chopping up the owners but luckily, with the law already en route, there weren’t so many dead this time. I pleaded guilty on the grounds of ignorance and general stupidity. When they found out that I was one of the morons who had been taken in by the same internet scam that defrauded Selina and set her off on her rampage they figured I was probably going to get hacked up sooner or later seeing as she was working off a list of names related to the scam. It was that or she was going to let me hang for the whole lot and use me as her patsy. They gave me a two month stint in the joint with a month suspended conditional on community service. Selina was sent to a nut house for the criminally insane.
Once home I checked with my bank and they mentioned that my account had been wiped about six months back. I’m told there’s a chance I’ll get some of it back. Last night I hit the racetrack again, swiped a sawbuck and won another. For a moment I thought my luck had turned. At that moment I noticed my likeness on a bulletin board. Seven seconds later I was cracked on the head and arrested. ‘Guess not.